The Powers That Be

My power has shone through most when I've faced the biggest challenges in my life.  Whether they've been emotional challenges or everyday feats of mental strength, I've been able to pull through and come out stronger (eventually) each time.

A Story of Power

The other day I was thinking about how I perform when I'm "on the job".  I have been blessed with several opportunities to perform in the past few years.  It wasn't always that way (see story below).

I very clearly remember my first day teaching at Bunker Hill.  I was hired on a whim to teach a history class.  I met the department chair on a Tuesday afternoon for the job interview.  We hit it off right away, and she offered me the job with one catch: class started the very next day.

I was excited to get the job (teaching college has been one of my life goals), but I had less than twenty four hours to pull it all together.  What pressure!   I compiled some notes, wrote on scraps, but nothing came together.  The next day, I got up and got dressed.  My hands trembled as I tied my shoes.  I took the T in from Quincy.  I searched around and found the right classroom.  I took a short breath and walked right in.  The students looked at me, skeptically, as I fumbled around with my papers, sweat beading on my brow.  I didn't know what to say.  I din't know how to start, and I didn't know where it would go.  The lights in the room seemed to get brighter.  I wasn't sure how I could win them over.

Then, I just started speaking.  I don't remember how I broke the ice, but within the first few minutes, I found my voice.  A rush of energy filled me as I started getting into it.  I went from a blank mind to a symphony of information within seconds.  We talked about civilization.  We talked about history.  We talked about philosophy.  It was like I was channeling the knowledge from somewhere - my mind was flashing multiple lightning strikes of information and ideas.  I was thrilled.

Before I knew it, the class time was over!  I looked at the board.  It was covered with topics, ideas, bad drawings, diagrams, and squiggly lines connecting things.  I wasn't sure if it made any sense, but several students seemed just as electrified.  I could see their excitement, too.  As I scrambled to hand out the syllabus, before they ran out the door, I realized that we all had just experienced something different.  Something profoundly fun.  It was going to be a great semester.

Each day, before class, I was still carried a little anxiety.  But as soon as we started talking about history, life, and ideas, I got right into the groove.  My passion led me.  I'd found my power.


A Story about Losing Power

Before I was offered the job at Bunker Hill, I had gone through one of the most difficult trials of my life: being unemployed.  Being unemployed, for me, was a full time job.  I'd get up every morning at 7am, put on a pot of coffee, and hit the Craig's List ads like a madman.  I'd scour the jobs sections and make a list of jobs to apply for that day.

This was just before the 2008 recession hit:  The "Great Recession".  Unexpectedly, I was laid off from a research job that I'd been enjoying.  Being a recent graduate (with a Master's in International Relations), I didn't fret.  I thought I was the man.  I'd left grad school with a bit of arrogance and prestige in my character.  I thought that it would be easy to find something.  I was wrong.

After I'd lost my job, I applied for hundreds of jobs (literally).  I'd write letter after letter and send emails everyday.  I'd get no response.  I had a few job interviews that went well - but never got the offer.  The bills kept coming and I was hemorrhaging through years of savings.  The anxiety started welling.

I started to lose my confidence.  See, when I left grad school, I was full of ego.  I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder.  I automatically assumed that I was the best candidate for each job.  So when the weeks turned into months, I started to get real down on myself.  I started to get jealous.  I'd see people going to work, and I'd start to resent and judge them.  Then, I let myself be the victim.  Why me?  I don't deserve this!  I should be getting this job, not that dude!

And through the frustration, the ego-based thinking, the idea that I was better than others or that I deserved something over someone else - that's when I lost my power.  It wasn't the unemployment or the money.  It was my mindset that belittled me.  I wasn't strong, I was defensive.  I wasn't confident, that was just my ego lashing out.  I felt so sorry for myself.  It started to take a toll on my well-being.  It took a damaging toll on my relationships as well.  But it took me some time and reflection to see how unhealthy and self-defeating I'd become.  When I was in it, I was stuck in it.  I couldn't see the big picture.  I lost my money, I lost my girl, and I basically hit bottom.

In the end, I let a tough situation get to me.  But it was the way that I reacted that was the true loss of power.  It was all in my control the entire time - how I perceived these problems.

Eventually, I got my power back (see story above).  Big lessons were learned.


My Power Practice

The best way for me to harness my power is to stop and breathe.  After I'd lost my power and
confidence in myself, I hit an emotional bottom.  Then, I got help.  For me, that came in the form of yoga and Al-Anon meetings.  I started taking yoga classes at a little studio by my house, and it changed my life.  Yoga taught me to slow down, breathe, and process all the junk.  Al-Anon gave me a chance to connect with other people who had been affected by their friends and families that were alcoholics and addicts.  It was also very empowering to speak about my life in front of a room of strangers.  They shared their stories, too, and in that - I heard my story being told by others.  I identified a community and found mentors that brought out the bright side of me.

I still practice yoga everyday.  It keeps me fit, it calms my mind, and provides me with a moment of rejuvenation each day.  It lets me step back and see that big picture, so that the little annoyances and troubles of everyday life do not consume my mind.  It enables me to clear my head and choose the thoughts that I want to focus on.  Now, that's power.



This week's poem is about the origins of my power.



When I was a Limitless Child

When I was a limitless child
    I found myself
              wrapped up
          in green leaves
    in sea of
       trees
           making houses from
    the shapes and scraps

               we found
                     all around us

We had the biggest dreams
               of creating
                    tiny civilizations
            among the branches
     breeching
               - places we could go
                    to be something
                        of our own

When I was a limitless child
      birds filled the sky with words
         that I could read with ease
    but could not pronounce

      everything meant something
                                      wild/
                                   undeniable
                                   

       We'd chase ghosts
          from the darkest
            parts of the garage
     and come back
                grass stained
                        and stung
                by bees
                          teary eyed
                          and undefeated
                       

When I was a limitless child
      I knew I'd travel far
                          and wide
               to places I'd only seen
                     on the t.v.

            I wrote jokes
                 made tapes
                   and drew my own
                     comics
     

When I was a limitless child
       everyday was filled with
              toys and voices
                 
     with which to build stories

              of other planets
                   
              that emerged
                       
                 on star-filled blankets