Latitudes of Gratitude

When my mind is stuck in the storm of daily thoughts (they say we have 50,000 per day), time goes by - fairly unnoticed.  I manage.  I complete.  I wash.  I repeat.

Sometimes it feels like I'm on autopilot.  My routines keep me afloat.  It's often in these times, in these moments, when I lose my presence and get caught up in automatic thoughts.  Task, task, task.  I don't set aside the time to stop and reflect.  To smile at the things that are smiling back at me.  To take in the simple joys that happen everyday.  I'm too busy with my big ol' nose to the grindstone.

One of the things that I take for granted is my health.  Overall, I'm a fairly healthy individual.  I eat healthily.  I like to walk, hike, and practice yoga.  I often take for granted the simple fact that I have a body in pretty good condition.  It gets me through.  I am blessed to not be battling a crippling illness or disease.  I am blessed that I have the simple ability to type these words.  I have smart, little fingers.  But my daily health can be something that I take for granted.  It's often that I don't even notice, until I get sick, and experience the opposite.

Another thing that I catch myself take for granted is my car.  Cars are pesky little machines.  It's not until we break down or something major happens that we notice how important our vehicles are to our daily lives.  I often jump in my car, expect it to start, and expect that it's going to take me everywhere I need to go.  Sometimes, I remember to appreciate it for still running so well.  I have no impending service or bills.  She's a good car.  I will pet her dashboard to show her love.

I have so much gratitude for all the people in my life.  I must give a huge shout out to my colleagues at work.  They are some of the kindest, most hardworking people you've ever met.  I couldn't be more blessed with the staff I have.  They put their heart and soul into their jobs, and they are truly inspiring people.  I look forward to seeing them everyday.  Some of them are the closest friends I have right now.

I am also very grateful for the opportunity to teach this very class.  This class was an idea that popped into my head last year, and it is amazing to see it come alive.  I hardly have the time to properly teach it, and I'd love to teach it live, but so far, it's coming together so well.  I am grateful that the students are taking it seriously.  Many of them are writing the most amazing journals and poems.  It's heart warming.  I am grateful for the opportunity.  It's worth the late nights and early mornings by the computer.

Lastly, I am simply grateful to be alive.  This past weekend, I had an interesting and humbling experience at sea, as my two friends and I were fogged in while snorkeling off of Catalina Island.  It was a bit nerve wracking to be so blinded while on the water.  All we could see was the boat, the white everything, and a little, nickel-sized disk of a sun.  By grace, we were able to slowly navigate our way back down the coast to harbor.  For a moment, we got a little nervous.  It just goes to show that life really is precious.

Hug everyone you love.

Taking in More Good

I could do a better job of taking in the good of great conversations I have with my friends.  A stimulating conversation is worth so much.  I oftentimes get stuck and stop listening to people, and I get fixated on what I want to say instead.  I could do a better job of staying present, hearing them out, and then offering my counterpoint.  I could be more present.  With that, I would probably relax more and enjoy those conversations.  Then, I can appreciate them, my friends (even more), and the intimate experience of great conversation.




This Week's Poem: 5 Haikus of Gratitude



Quiet village moon
mist looms behind the houses

Avalon morning


Everything turned white
except the nearby ripples
I swear, that was it


Sleepy seaside town
bells chime across the canyon
time again stood still


A cup of coffee
splits everything into two
She likes the grey clouds

Six A.M. darkness
well, might as well be midnight
here comes the movement

No cars, just golf carts
breakfast sounds climb through windows
Everyone sleeps in

The Overcoming

This week, as we continue into the present, we are focused on examining our fears, identifying our obstacles, and counting our assets.

Fear is part of the human condition.  It's a part of our psyche.  Growing up, I was afraid of the usual stuff: spiders, ghosts, and burglars.  We'd always find Budweiser cans and fire pits in the woods.  My first thought: devil worshipers.  It's funny how, when we're younger, the fear response is so prominent.  Loud sounds, thunder and lightening, dangers around every corner.  Childhood was very scary.  Maybe it was all those Tim Burton movies.  Damn Beetlejuice.

Now that I'm older, and I no longer check the closet for murderers before bed, I still catch myself confronting fears.  But now these fears, which come out through anxiety, resistance, and (in the most extreme sense) paranoia, are harder to identify.  Many of these thought patterns and defense systems have been built up over the years - to the point where we don't notice their influence.

With mindfulness and awareness, I've come to observe my fears and anxieties from a safe distance.  I can see what they are and what they stem from, by being aware of my emotions and reactions.  I catch them.  Some of my deepest fears these days stem around social anxieties, work stress, and my family situation.

I get anxiety over stressful situations - when things seem out of my control.  I may have a fear of chaos or control issues.  Control issues may stem from a fear of spontaneity and chaos.  I'd like to think that I'm a "go with the flow" type of person, but in fact, I prefer a well-executed plan.  I can deal with controlled chaos, but I find it stressful.  I like to know.  Maybe I have a fear of the unknown, the unpredictable.

My family is another source of anxiety for me.   A lot of old stuff comes up when I think about it.  I've been around drug addicts and alcoholics all of my life, and it has greatly influenced (and damaged) my outlook on humanity.  It's a trust thing.  I used to fear my father, because he was so unpredictable.  He'd have tremendous mood swings when he was drunk.  I was afraid to draw his attention when I was younger, so I just kept quiet and out of the way.  This, when examined with a wider lens, has created a fear within me - that people will just turn on me.  People will definitely change and do their thing, but I'm certain now that I don't surround myself with such unpredictable people.  Because of that fear, I only associate with people I trust.  I can smell a bullshitter a mile away.

In terms of assets, I have many.  Let me count the ways.  I was blessed with academic ability, I have creative talents, and I'm quite friendly and social these days (now that I know myself better).  I make good use of my bullshit radar, and it actually is an asset when I need to hire people that I need to trust.  I have two very cool jobs, a car that gets me from A to B, a beach, a bike, and an amazing home.  I also have a great sense of humor, which helps me laugh at myself once in a while (for kicks).  I have very dear friends who are like family, and I have the ability to cook fantastic dinners for them when they come over.  I have enough money to buy the things I need and a few of the things I want (like a good coffee).  I have a lot of assets to back me up when I feel blue.

When I want to be proactive about taking care of my anxieties, I cultivate calmness and awareness with breathing and meditation.  I also practice yoga daily, which keeps me quite mellow and satisfied.  I also play music (solo and with friends) so that I can express these emotions in a safe and creative way.  Playing an instrument is like meditation, as it requires so much focus - on one thing.  In meditation, it's the breadth.  In music, it's the song.  You can't think about anything else when you're really into playing a song.  You're enveloped.  Another great activity that I do to relax and stave off anxiety is to ride my beach cruiser.  I like to ride around town at sunset and just feel myself cutting through the air - and having fun.  Like a kid again.  It's life at the speed of bike.  Check it out.

I've come to realize that anxiety is a modern feature to all adults.  We all get it.  So, we all need to figure out how to deal with it and control it, before it controls us.  We need to keep the fear and anxiety in check, so as not to create our own obstacles in life.  Fear should never be the driver for life's big decisions.  There's no adventure in that.  Live for the now.

This week's poem: a rap battle vs. fear


Mr. Fear

Hey Mr. Fear, why don't you come into the light
with your bag and your blues
your anger, your fright

You still come around
like a thief up in the night
come and show your face
it's time to set it right

yo, you're hollow (what?)
like a bladeless knife

slicing lies through my mind
but I ain't willing to fight

let's chill
and sit it down for a game
cause I know you're in my head
yo, we're one in the same

I know your moves
and your clues
before they're even made

I know your raps
and your rhymes
like the time of day

hey yo, King me
cause I'm coming back for more
I learned a thing or two
when I crossed the playing board

for a time you were mine
my worthy opponent
but the fear - it disappears

the second I own it

Present Moment Free Write

A train goes by.  The Surfliner.  Then a bus.  The Breeze.

It took a while for the light to come out this morning.  The wind is blowing cold.  Fall must be here.  I can feel that my feet are a little cold.  My limbs want to hug in.  Maybe I should make a cup of tea.  But I'm not ready to go down stairs.  Looks like the sun will join us, once these clouds break.  Another train goes by.  Where are all these people going?

I'm tired.  But I know that I am going to punch through today.  I have too much to do and too many people to care for to slow down.  But am I getting burnt out in the end?  Part of my practice needs to be pausing.  Resting.  Stress is a quiet animal that creeps up on us.  I'm feeling indecisive.  Maybe I will run the trail this morning - to get myself going.

It's just about time to wake up the roommate.  Make some breakfast.  The birds are out.  The bells are ringing.  It's already Wednesday, and I can't stop thinking about the weekend.  She wants to go bowling.  Ok.  Got a few days to square away.  Got a few moments to breathe into first.

Realizing slowly that my recent trip home was quite heavy for my heart.  This one's got bad news.  That one isn't doing well.  It was heartbreaking to hear of divorce for a young family.  New baby.  I also heard many rumors about my brother.  Thought I saw him walking past the projects, lost.  Maybe I wanted to see him so bad, he appeared.  Maybe I just made him up.  Head's turn.

The hardest part about home is that nobody wants to really feel it.  There is a pain and a sadness that is draped over that city.  Stuck in a bottle.  I don't get it.  Is it karma?  Why is everything there still the same - again?

I have to breathe through this.  Process.  Move on.

Home will always be there.  Sulking.

In the meantime, as I breathe, I see that this is where I am meant to be.  Putting all of the sadness and anger into the heart, where I can recycle it.  Make it useful.  Help others.  Be strong.

Cry for those that cannot cry.

Breathing is the key.  Let's stay close to each other.  Maybe with words.  Maybe with letters.

Acceptance.

Hmm... I'll have to sit with that.

Ok, let's go do this.  For the bigger picture.  For the tiniest moments.  Let's go find this love today.

This week's (mindfulness) poem:



When I stop, I notice


When I stop
      I notice all the little things
  unfurling
       how the
    flowers keep yawning,
               come morning

When I stop
      I notice the trees slightly leaning

       and all the buzzes beesing
           the humming
          sounds
              of a blessing
                   (just visiting)

      I see the trains coming and going
           without sticking
             just running
                on their rusty tracks

      I notice how we all tilt back

      When I stop
          I notice all the clouds
      calling
           and the great whirl that's airing
               like sirens
         singing
                   me towards sunset
                (blaring)

    A radio keeps the time - like a clock

     When I stop      
I notice how my words keep bending
        towards her ears
            unfolding
                 I notice how her eyes
                   are left lingering
                 at the coffee shop

       When I stop
    I let the rest just go on without me

      I can see now - just how tiny

           and how the world
        goes around
                 once more
   
      just to catch up
                            with the pace
                  of my heart
     

A Blessing in the Skies

In the winter of 2004, I booked a trip to Florida to visit my dad and spend some time on the beach with two dear friends.  I bought all three plane tickets online, printed the boarding passes, and we took off out of Logan Airport during our February vacation.  I couldn't believe at how cheap the tickets were - I thought we scored a pretty sweet deal. 

All three of us were public middle school teachers at the time. 

We had a lot of fun in Florida, and thankfully, we managed to stay out of trouble.  We stayed in sleepy St. Pete Beach with my dad and had a great time.  Very relaxing.  Teaching pubescent, adolescents can really take a toll on you, so this trip was well deserved for the the three of us.   

When the week came to an end, we packed up our stuff and headed towards the airport.  My dad gave us a lift up to Tampa.  When we got the check in gate, I gave my license and name to the flight attendant at the kiosk.  He kept checking his database for our names.  They weren't coming up.  (a bead of sweat appeared) 

Then, he found our itinerary.  We were expecting to fly out on February 24th.  Our itinerary made it clear that I'd mistakenly booked our return flight for March 24th.  Our return flight was scheduled in the wrong month!  (angry twitch)

The blood dropped from our heads.  We quickly went into emergency mode, spreading out across the airport, trying to find flights back to Boston for that day.  We had to be back to work the next day.  All three of us worked at the same school (and we were already taking an extra day off).  It wouldn't look good for us back in Fairhaven.  

Everything was booked.  Solid.

Finally, I had a brilliant idea.  We could try to fly into New Hampshire!  Sure, someone would have to drive 3 hours to come get us, but we could figure that out.  I knew that Southwest flew to New Hampshire, but what city?   I told the guy at the desk, can you get us to Manchester... or Nashua?

He was typing furiously on his keyboard.  "Well... yes.... there's a flight leaving... but you'll have to run for it..."  Boom.  We got our tickets, gave them our luggage and b-lined for the security gate.  We got through.  But on our way to the gate, I realized something detrimental:

Our tickets weren't for Nashua, New Hampshire.  They were for Nashville, Tennessee!

The flight attendant at that gate saw our distress.  "Ok, don't get on this plane.  You don't want to go to Nashville... but your bags are going without you..."

That may have been the most stressful airport emergency-movie-like scramble-situation that I've ever been in.  I'm sure I popped a few blood vessels that day.  I felt like I'd let my friends down.  They were worried about our jobs and how we were going to explain it all.  I felt like it was all my fault - and that I was the one who was responsible. 

I called my dad and he came back to get us.  We eventually got tickets - to leave the next day. 

So, we had one more day on the beach - without luggage.  So we sat on the beach in our underwear, which was quite hilarious.  It helped us laugh a little about the situation. 

We went back to teaching.  

In June, the day before the last day of the school year, my friend and I got pink slips in our mailboxes.  The school was going to lay us off.  I was pretty upset.  

This seemed to be the worst thing that could happen.  I didn't love the job, but it was my first "real job", and it was my first full-time gig after college.  I took it pretty hard.  I judged myself and told myself that I could have done better.  I'd gotten used the mediocre money, the security, the lifestyle.  

And it took me years to see that that was really a blessing in disguise.  Booking the wrong flight may have been the catalyst towards a better life for myself.  It tested my ability to resolve a stressful situation.  It gave me an opportunity to apologize to my friends.   It contributed to me getting fired.  

It took a while to see that getting fired was a blessing in disguise.  

That job was a trap for me (and for my friend).  We got out of that trap the hard way.  But it led to such bigger things - better greatness.  

I ended up going to graduate school that fall and moving away from the public school scene.  

Doors opened, and my life got much better.  

But it wouldn't have happened without that flight being missed.  That catastrophe saved my life.

  

Alchemy 

spinning towards some   

sort of epiphany 

      I pause

    and hear the big bells

                          ringing

the wave of the sound

calms everything down

and the riff raff 

    of my mind

  scatters

        like butterflies

                 blinking

see, the energy that goes

  into hardening the stones

      is the same

  that softens

             everything into gold

I decide

    on all the things I buy

  and all the things I am sold

the mind is a window

  looking out over the cold

this season 

     I am striving

   to break out of the mold

because the the energy that goes

    into the hardening the stones

       is the same

            that softens

               everything

                  into gold