A train goes by. The Surfliner. Then a bus. The Breeze.
It took a while for the light to come out this morning. The wind is blowing cold. Fall must be here. I can feel that my feet are a little cold. My limbs want to hug in. Maybe I should make a cup of tea. But I'm not ready to go down stairs. Looks like the sun will join us, once these clouds break. Another train goes by. Where are all these people going?
I'm tired. But I know that I am going to punch through today. I have too much to do and too many people to care for to slow down. But am I getting burnt out in the end? Part of my practice needs to be pausing. Resting. Stress is a quiet animal that creeps up on us. I'm feeling indecisive. Maybe I will run the trail this morning - to get myself going.
It's just about time to wake up the roommate. Make some breakfast. The birds are out. The bells are ringing. It's already Wednesday, and I can't stop thinking about the weekend. She wants to go bowling. Ok. Got a few days to square away. Got a few moments to breathe into first.
Realizing slowly that my recent trip home was quite heavy for my heart. This one's got bad news. That one isn't doing well. It was heartbreaking to hear of divorce for a young family. New baby. I also heard many rumors about my brother. Thought I saw him walking past the projects, lost. Maybe I wanted to see him so bad, he appeared. Maybe I just made him up. Head's turn.
The hardest part about home is that nobody wants to really feel it. There is a pain and a sadness that is draped over that city. Stuck in a bottle. I don't get it. Is it karma? Why is everything there still the same - again?
I have to breathe through this. Process. Move on.
Home will always be there. Sulking.
In the meantime, as I breathe, I see that this is where I am meant to be. Putting all of the sadness and anger into the heart, where I can recycle it. Make it useful. Help others. Be strong.
Cry for those that cannot cry.
Breathing is the key. Let's stay close to each other. Maybe with words. Maybe with letters.
Acceptance.
Hmm... I'll have to sit with that.
Ok, let's go do this. For the bigger picture. For the tiniest moments. Let's go find this love today.
This week's (mindfulness) poem:
When I stop, I notice
When I stop
I notice all the little things
unfurling
how the
flowers keep yawning,
come morning
When I stop
I notice the trees slightly leaning
the humming
sounds
of a blessing
(just visiting)
I see the trains coming and going
without sticking
just running
on their rusty tracks
I notice how we all tilt back
When I stop
I notice all the clouds
calling
and the great whirl that's airing
like sirens
singing
me towards sunset
(blaring)
A radio keeps the time - like a clock
When I stop
I notice how my words keep bending
towards her ears
unfolding
I notice how her eyes
are left lingering
at the coffee shop
When I stop
I let the rest just go on without me
I can see now - just how tiny
and how the world
goes around
once more
just to catch up
with the pace
of my heart
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