The Overcoming

This week, as we continue into the present, we are focused on examining our fears, identifying our obstacles, and counting our assets.

Fear is part of the human condition.  It's a part of our psyche.  Growing up, I was afraid of the usual stuff: spiders, ghosts, and burglars.  We'd always find Budweiser cans and fire pits in the woods.  My first thought: devil worshipers.  It's funny how, when we're younger, the fear response is so prominent.  Loud sounds, thunder and lightening, dangers around every corner.  Childhood was very scary.  Maybe it was all those Tim Burton movies.  Damn Beetlejuice.

Now that I'm older, and I no longer check the closet for murderers before bed, I still catch myself confronting fears.  But now these fears, which come out through anxiety, resistance, and (in the most extreme sense) paranoia, are harder to identify.  Many of these thought patterns and defense systems have been built up over the years - to the point where we don't notice their influence.

With mindfulness and awareness, I've come to observe my fears and anxieties from a safe distance.  I can see what they are and what they stem from, by being aware of my emotions and reactions.  I catch them.  Some of my deepest fears these days stem around social anxieties, work stress, and my family situation.

I get anxiety over stressful situations - when things seem out of my control.  I may have a fear of chaos or control issues.  Control issues may stem from a fear of spontaneity and chaos.  I'd like to think that I'm a "go with the flow" type of person, but in fact, I prefer a well-executed plan.  I can deal with controlled chaos, but I find it stressful.  I like to know.  Maybe I have a fear of the unknown, the unpredictable.

My family is another source of anxiety for me.   A lot of old stuff comes up when I think about it.  I've been around drug addicts and alcoholics all of my life, and it has greatly influenced (and damaged) my outlook on humanity.  It's a trust thing.  I used to fear my father, because he was so unpredictable.  He'd have tremendous mood swings when he was drunk.  I was afraid to draw his attention when I was younger, so I just kept quiet and out of the way.  This, when examined with a wider lens, has created a fear within me - that people will just turn on me.  People will definitely change and do their thing, but I'm certain now that I don't surround myself with such unpredictable people.  Because of that fear, I only associate with people I trust.  I can smell a bullshitter a mile away.

In terms of assets, I have many.  Let me count the ways.  I was blessed with academic ability, I have creative talents, and I'm quite friendly and social these days (now that I know myself better).  I make good use of my bullshit radar, and it actually is an asset when I need to hire people that I need to trust.  I have two very cool jobs, a car that gets me from A to B, a beach, a bike, and an amazing home.  I also have a great sense of humor, which helps me laugh at myself once in a while (for kicks).  I have very dear friends who are like family, and I have the ability to cook fantastic dinners for them when they come over.  I have enough money to buy the things I need and a few of the things I want (like a good coffee).  I have a lot of assets to back me up when I feel blue.

When I want to be proactive about taking care of my anxieties, I cultivate calmness and awareness with breathing and meditation.  I also practice yoga daily, which keeps me quite mellow and satisfied.  I also play music (solo and with friends) so that I can express these emotions in a safe and creative way.  Playing an instrument is like meditation, as it requires so much focus - on one thing.  In meditation, it's the breadth.  In music, it's the song.  You can't think about anything else when you're really into playing a song.  You're enveloped.  Another great activity that I do to relax and stave off anxiety is to ride my beach cruiser.  I like to ride around town at sunset and just feel myself cutting through the air - and having fun.  Like a kid again.  It's life at the speed of bike.  Check it out.

I've come to realize that anxiety is a modern feature to all adults.  We all get it.  So, we all need to figure out how to deal with it and control it, before it controls us.  We need to keep the fear and anxiety in check, so as not to create our own obstacles in life.  Fear should never be the driver for life's big decisions.  There's no adventure in that.  Live for the now.

This week's poem: a rap battle vs. fear


Mr. Fear

Hey Mr. Fear, why don't you come into the light
with your bag and your blues
your anger, your fright

You still come around
like a thief up in the night
come and show your face
it's time to set it right

yo, you're hollow (what?)
like a bladeless knife

slicing lies through my mind
but I ain't willing to fight

let's chill
and sit it down for a game
cause I know you're in my head
yo, we're one in the same

I know your moves
and your clues
before they're even made

I know your raps
and your rhymes
like the time of day

hey yo, King me
cause I'm coming back for more
I learned a thing or two
when I crossed the playing board

for a time you were mine
my worthy opponent
but the fear - it disappears

the second I own it